


Good Morning Liar

by theextremelycooljaredkleinmen



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor can't talk for the first few chapters, Hospitals, I already know this is gonna be longer than I thought when I started out, I don't know how long this is gonna be tbh, I promise I'll finish it tho, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Manipulation, Suicide Attempt, Temporary Amnesia, Therapy Dog, You'll get the title later, connor murphy is to calm about certain things, evan hansen's bad habit of lying, he's pissed about it, it's a german shepard, it's also an inside joke, the Murphy's family issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-10-20 14:11:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10664277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theextremelycooljaredkleinmen/pseuds/theextremelycooljaredkleinmen
Summary: "The first thing he notices when he wakes up is the hair in his eyes. Then it's the terrible taste in his mouth and the fact that he has no idea where he's at or who he is."After a terrible first day back and seeing Evan Hansen's creepy stalker letter about his sister, Connor can't take it anymore. Life seems to have other plans though because weeks after trying to hang himself in his bedroom Connor wakes up in a hospital bed with no idea who he or anybody else is.





	1. What's going on?

The first thing he notices when he wakes up is the hair in his eyes. Then it's the terrible taste in his mouth and the fact that he has no idea where he's at or who he is. He's staring at the ceiling when his eyes first open but quickly finds the lights worse than the staring into the sun. He lets his head roll to the left after a few moments and it becomes clear that he's in a hospital. There's a repulsive sterile smell in the air and everything is so damn white. There's someone seated next to him but he doesn't get a good look at them before they're up and at his side. He glances up in confusion as a woman looks him over and calls to someone across the room. He doesn't catch what she says, he's too busy trying to place who she is. She's familiar in a way, but he can't recall her name or who she is to him. Family, he assumes, because she's in his hospital room. When he looks away from her there's a man to her right and a doctor entering through the door. The doctor picks up a clipboard and walks around the bed, checking all the medical equipment quietly. The man next to her is also familiar and he's most likely family as well. He opens his mouth to try and speak, he wants to ask who he is or who anyone is for that matter. Unfortunately, he makes nothing but a small, scratchy noise and it hurts extremely bad to even do that. The doctor is quick to stop him with a hand on his leg. 

"You're not going to be able to speak quite yet, son," he tells him, eyes focused on the clipboard. The doctor takes a moment to flip through the papers before looking him over. "You, Mr. Murphy, are a very lucky boy." He comments. 

Mr. Murphy. That's a start, it must be his last name. He doesn't know what landed him here but he's fairly certain that comment was in poor taste. A look back over to the two people on his left tells him he's right. The doctor pulls a pen out of his pocket and goes to stand at the end of the bed. "I have to ask you some questions now. It's a short mental state examination to assess any brain damage or amnesia. However, you can't speak due to injuries so I'm going to need you to shake your head yes or no. if you know something I'll have you write it down. do you understand?"

He would've liked to scoff and roll his eyes. Of course, he understood. He might not know what's going on right now but he could understand simple directions. He would've said so if he could talk, but instead, he's only able to nod.

The doctor doesn't reply, just jots something down on the clipboard. "Alright Mr. Murphy, do you remember your first name?" 

He begins to nod, an immediate reaction. Of course, he knows his name, he thinks to himself. But when he actually tries to form the word in his head he comes up short. His's eyebrows knit together and he shakes his head.

The doctor must take sympathy on him because he answers for him. "You're name is Connor Murphy.'' He informs him. Connor's just glad to have a full name. "How about the people to your left, do you recognize them?"

Connor wishes he could talk. He wants to explain that he knows they're important, but he still can't place them. He shakes his head again and the woman grips the man's arm tightly. The doctor writes more down silently and it's starting to piss Connor off. What the hell was going on? Why can't he remember anything and why is he here? Why won't the doctor tell him what happened?

The doctor asks him a few more simple questions, or at least what should be simple questions. His birthday, the current date, what state they're in, his address. He asks him to write down numbers up to 100 and what the first question he asked was. Connor managed the last two but when it came to remembering dates and places he could only shake his head. The people in the room are familiar, but he is sure he has no recollection of any recent events and his memories are all blurry. The doctor nods once more once they're done and Connor rolls his eyes. He just wants to know what the hell is going on. 

The doctor sets the clipboard back at the end of the bed and crosses his arms. He silent for a moment, mouth set into a slight frown. "This is what we discussed earlier." The doctor says to the people on his left.

He turns back to face Connor. "Mr. Murphy, you have suffered from hypoxia and blunt force trauma, mainly to your cerebral cortex." The doctor points to the front of his own head before continuing. ''From what we can tell your oxygen supply was cut off and that caused you to pass out, fall, and hit your head. You've been out for two weeks and five days. We ran both a CAT scan and MRI when you came in and found very mild brain trauma in both. Nothing that damaged your learning or speaking abilities. However it was very likely, especially after a short coma, you would suffer some temporary memory loss. That's what you're going through now. I don't want you to worry too much, we'll make sure you recover the best you can. Along with your parent's," he gestures vaguely to the other people, "We'll work to help you recover your memories as quickly as possible." 

Connor stares at the people to his left, his parents apparently. His mom smiles sadly at him and suddenly he's mad again. He wants to say something to them, ask them what happened, but he can't. He can't do shit and it's driving him up the wall. He's missed what the doctor has just said, but he's still talking when Connor starts to listen again.

"Unfortunately you still won't be able to talk for a few weeks. In a few days, you may find it easier to form sounds or short words, but I would strongly advise that you keep from talking until the pain in your vocal chords is completely gone. Another two weeks I would say." The doctor gives a short sigh and hooks his fingers into his belt loop. "I'll leave you to speak with your parents now. I think you'd rather have them fill you in on what's happened. A nurse will be by shortly to check in on you." 

The doctor leaves the three in silence, staring at each other awkwardly. His mom takes her seat again and his dad goes over to pull the other chair closer to the bed. They sit for a few more moments, each avoiding eye contact with each other until his mom break's the silence.

"Well, Connor, honey." She sounds like she's walking on eggshells as she speaks. "I guess we should tell you what happened."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, there you go. Disclaimer, I am not a doctor, I don't know much about temporary amnesia. I'm trying to make it as realistic as possible to what would happen but don't expect everything to be 100% correct. I know the first chapter was kind of slow, it'll pick up soon I just had to get some basic plot stuff out of the way. Next chapter might be up today as well. I'll update once a week at least. Summer starts in a few weeks though, so multiple chapters a week is also very possible.


	2. Enter Evan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan "Can't Stop Lying" Hansen is at it again.

It's been over two weeks and Evan is still not sure what he's gotten himself into and the only one to blame is himself and his wired therapy letters. So now where is he? Oh yeah, pretending to be Connor Murphy's best friend because his parents thought he wrote a suicide note to Evan. And of course, he just went with it. Told the Murphy's all about his great friendship with their son who was surely going to kill him once he woke up. Evan would love it if the ground could just open up and swallow him whole but his phone ringing interrupts his daydream about no longer existing. Evan pulls his phone out of his pocket and blanches when he sees it's Mrs. Murphy.

"H-hello?" he answers cautiously. Maybe it was just a pocket dial, maybe he could just avoid the Murphy's forever.

"Evan?" She sounds concerned and tired like she has for the last few weeks, but now there's some relief in her voice. "Connor woke up this morning. I wanted to call you as soon as school was out.''

"Oh. That's...that's great Mrs. Murphy." Evan replies. "Well, I hope-"

She cuts him off before he can end the conversation. "There's something you should know though. Because of his injuries and the coma Connor...he can't remember anything."

Evan lets out a sigh of relief, then feels guilty that he's glad someone has amnesia. He's thankful again when he realizes that means Connor won't remember Evan, the letter about Zoe, and wanting to kill him for it. Evan might actually make it out of this unharmed.

"It's temporary." Mrs. Murphy continues and Evan goes back to fearing the worst. "His doctor told us it would return in the next few weeks. Seeing and hearing things to remind him is supposed to help. You're his best friend could you come see him? It would mean so much to us. He may not know you right now but you could help him remember."

Evan tries to refuse or make up some excuse but he can't form words and Mrs. Murphy keeps talking.

"Please Evan." She pleads. "He needs you right now."

Evan's will breaks because apparently, that's what Evan does around Murphy's. He breaks and lies. "I'll come. I-I can come now, yeah." he tells her.

"Really?" She sounds so relieved and Evan feels infinitely guilty. 

They're never going to want to see him again once the truth inevitably comes out. Nevertheless, Evan agrees to go see Connor. He gets the name of the hospital and the room number and is on his way.

About twenty minutes later Evan finds himself standing outside Connor's hospital room, eyes wide and frozen in place. He can feel that his palms are sweaty or maybe they're just warm he can't tell, he just keeps rubbing them on his khakis. He can't be sure how long he stands outside the door before someone taps him on the shoulder.

"Evan?" someone behind him asks. He turns around to find Zoe Murphy standing behind him. Backpack slung over one shoulder and annoyed look on her face, she'd obviously rather not be here. Or maybe she's just mad that Evan is blocking the doorway. Oh God, he's being rude, how long had he been holding her up? Evan feels his hands grow warmer as his thoughts race. "Were you planning on going in?"

"Um, yeah, yeah I was gonna- I was just about to in. Yeah." He stumbles over his words, shoulders curling in.

Zoe nods and reaches past him, opening the door. "After you then. You probably want to see him more than I do anyway."

Evan only nods and shuffles into the hospital room, letting Mrs. Murphy hug him against his will before staring awkwardly at Connor. Words fail him at the sight. Evan knows how Connor normally looks. Constantly exhausted, permanent dark circles around his eyes. A tangled mess of dark hair and clad all in black. Evan was not prepared for this. Connor looked even more exhausted if that was even possible and his hair now made what it looked like normally seem tame. The worst part was the thick, red mark fading from his neck. The worst of the bruising must have gone down while he was asleep but you could still tell. It looked like it must hurt and a wave of guilt hit him in the gut again. Connor had done this after he read Evan's letter. Evan did this, and now he was here making it worse.  
Just before Evan takes a seat Mrs. Murphy pulls him down closer to her height.

"He can't talk yet," she tells him quietly, "But we've been talking to him, he nods along."

Evan gets the impression Connor could hear everything she said by the way his face settles into a frown. He nods politely and takes a seat next to the bed, watching Zoe settle into a corner. Evan looks back over at Connor. After the letter, he feels bad for staring at Zoe while Connor is right there, but he also comes up short on what to say. Cynthia saves him.

~~~

Connor watches silently from the bed as two more people come into his hospital room. It's no surprise to him that he doesn't recognize either of them. The girl immediately goes to the chair in the corner, she looks like she'd rather be anywhere else. The boy hugs his mom before sitting down next to him. He doesn't look the happiest to be there either but it seems like it's less against his will. No one seems ready to talk right away and he's plenty fine with that. He's still getting over the news that he's here because of a suicide attempt. Learning that you tried to hang yourself, failed, and hit you head on your bed when the rope broke takes a minute to digest. Excuse the fuck out of him if he's not up for a meet and greet right away.

"Connor," his mom eventually speaks up after a few long minutes of silence, "this is your best friend, Evan Hansen. That's your sister over there."

Connor looks over at the girl in the chair, trying to put together why his own sister would look so annoyed to be here. They must either hate each other or she despises hospitals as much as he does himself. Maybe both. Connor glances back at the boy in the chair and raises an eyebrow. Evan waves back lamely, shoulders hunched in and leg bouncing nervously.

His mom looks back and forth between them before glancing at his dad. "Larry, why don't we go see what we can get Connor to eat. Zoe, could you try to find some coffee?"

The two in question look up from what they're busying themselves with. They look at Connor and then Evan and seem to get what his mom wants because they both start to collect their things. His sister looks even more annoyed at this and his dad grumbles something under his breath but they still comply.

"We'll be back in just a little bit." his mom promises. "Give you some time to talk or whatever you need to do."

And then they're alone. Connor and his best friend who he currently has no memories of. The kid doesn't seem to keen on talking and since Connor can't do it himself they spend a what feels like hours in silence.

~~~

Evan has to say something. He knows he has to say something but he's not sure if when he tries to talk he's going to lie more or admit everything. It takes him a good five minutes before he can speak and he spends in looking anywhere but Connor.

"So um...your- your mom already told me you probably don't remember me." Evan begins. "She wanted me to come talk to you. About our friendship I think, I don't know. She says it'll- it's supposed to help."

He watches Connor nod as he tries to come up with more to say. "They didn't- no one knew we were friends. You didn't want them to know. They found out because you wrote your...suicide note to me..." Evan trails off before he realizes Connor might not know that. "Oh, oh my god I'm sorry. I don't know if you- did they tell you what happened? I'm sorry I shouldn't have said that I- s-sorry." Evan rambles off quickly, cheeks growing red.

Evan watches Connor shake his head and shrug. He's not too sure what it means but he feels like it's Connor saying it's alright. Evan is silent again for a minute, trying to gather himself enough to lie more. He's a mess for someone who's supposed to be talking to his best friend. Connor was going to see right through him.

"We send emails to each other a lot, over a secret account." He explains, watching Connor's face contort in confusion before making a short noise resembling a laugh. "You were worried you dad read your emails." he adds and Connor's face drops. "We hung out sometimes but it was always at this orchard. It was closed years ago but we'd go get ice cream then sit in the field and talk."

Connor nods along as Evan fills him in on the things he already lied to the rest of the Murphy's about. He seems to accept it all, for now at least. Shortly after the rest of Connor's family comes back. Evan tells them he'll stop by when he can and leaves, nervously awaiting the day when Connor remembers they're not friends at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter guys! Still not much going on. Next chapter we'll get into Connor actually remembering things and that causing Evan to be paranoid like 24/7.


	3. More than what meets the eye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor remembers some things he might not like, but he also gets a new visitor. Evan is a master at avoiding things.

About a week into trying to get his memories back Connor starts to think he might not want them. It started with easy things. His mom, he now knows her name is Cynthia, told him things like their address, his birthday, the current year and season. She brought in photo books and named people in the pictures and showed him mementos of things he'd done. It was easy to retain things. He knows his sister is Zoe and his dad is Larry, but he still has no actual memories of them. That's when it started to go downhill.

Cynthia insisted all four of them be there while he was recovering but it didn't seem to be going the way she planned. His mom would sit in a chair pulled up to the top of the bed while his father and Zoe sat farther away at the foot. His mom would tell him about their home life but periodically his dad would grumble something under his breath or Zoe would roll her eyes. He couldn't ever hear all of what they said. He caught bits and pieces though, and they were clearly complaints about him. Zoe complaining about his anger issues, Larry talking about throwing his education away to smoke weed. None of it made sense to him, but his doctor assured him it would all come back to him eventually.

He Remembers something about his dad by sheer coincidence. Connor's flipping through the TV channels one morning when he catches a news reporter talking about the interstate being at a dead stop. Connor wouldn't care about traffic on the interstate but it triggers a series of memories of his dad complaining about traffic before he leaves for work. It's small, just a few moments of his 17 years of life but it's a start.

His mom is ecstatic to hear that he's remembered something when he writes it out for her to read. Zoe and his dad are less enthused, as is expected. Zoe asks if he remembers what the rest of their meals are like but it's in such a sarcastic tone that Connor ignores her.

One thing that keeps Connor constantly confused is the lack of his best friend. Not only has Evan failed to come see him again, Connor can't seem to find anything to help remember him. In fact, when Evan had come by the first time he didn't seem particularly familiar at all. Connor doesn't worry about it too much though, he needs to focus on what he can remember. Not that that's been a whole lot.

The day after, Connor is watching something mindless on TV when a middle-aged woman knocks on the open door. Connor is ready for it to be another relative he doesn't remember until she speaks up.

"Hi there," she greets, not yet stepping into the room "are you, Connor Murphy?"

Connor gives a mute nod, his throat still too sore to speak.

The woman smiles and nods shortly. "I'm Helen, it's nice to meet you. Do you like dogs Connor?" Connor can't be sure if he did like dogs, but he figures he'll take the chance and nods again. Helen's smile grows. "May I come in?"

Connor nods once more and she steps into his room, bringing a German Shepard in a red and blue harness into view with her. "This is Steve, he's a therapy dog." she tells him, gesturing at Steve as he sits down next to her. "I'm part of an organization that brings trained therapy dogs to hospitals to help...well anyone really. Especially those who might be having a tough time emotionally. I talked to your doctor and he said you're regaining your memories from temporary amnesia?"

Connor nods, watching Steve sit still as a stone while Helen talks. He's still not sure if he liked dogs or not but this one seems okay. He's not going crazy and he looks soft and warm. Plus, dogs can't judge you which already gives them a head-start in Connor's book.

"That can be quite emotionally exhausting, animals are proven to help people feel better. If you'd like, you can meet Steve now and if you two get along I can start bringing him by to help you? I'll drop him off and pick him back up around dinner time when we all leave." Helen offers, a genuine smile on her face.

Connor looks at Steve once more and the dog wags his tail happily so he nods. It was worth a shot anyway. If it didn't work out he didn't have to say yes.

"Alright then, I'm going to come sit in the chair next to you so I can hold onto Steve and you can see how you get along." Hellen tells him, tugging once on Steve's leash so he stands and then leading him over to the bed. "He'll come to you once you put your hand out." She instructs and Connor does just so.

Steve comes up the rest of the way to the bed, setting his head on the edge and staring at Connor with big, brown eyes. Connor reaches his hand out more, running it over the dogs head and his eyebrows knit together. Something about it is familiar. Not about Steve himself but the feel of his fur. Connor gets the sudden feeling that he wanted a dog at one point, maybe even went to get one, but for some reason, he never went through with it. He looks back down at Steve and smiles just a little, already knowing he wants the dog to stay.

Connor pets Steve for a while longer, letting Helen tell him the benefits of therapy animals while he does. He's not sure how long they sit like that but eventually, his mom arrives, done with whatever she had to do for the day.

"Well, it looks like you've got people here to see you and it's about time for us to head back so we'll get out of your hair." Helen says, standing up as Cynthia puts her things down. She greets his mom before filling her in on the therapy dog organization and turning back to him. "Connor, I think you and Steve got along quite nicely and if you'd like I can bring him back tomorrow moring. Does that sound good to you?"

Connor nods once without hesitation, pets Steve one last time and watches the two leave before reaching over for his pen and notepad. "Did I ever want a dog?" he scribbles down for Cynthia to read.

His mom nods after reading the question. "When you were younger," she answers, "I don't know if you wanted one this whole time. We almost got a golden retriever, we went out to a breeder and everything. But it was when you were about eight and you had started to show signs of anger issues." his mom explains carefully. "I thought a dog might help you but your father was completely against it so we never got one. Why do you ask?"

"The dog triggered something" Connor jots down, letting his mom read it before he shrugs.

That afternoon Cynthia decides to focus on his dad, seeing as he has a head start there. There are a few small things. What his dad does for work and what he likes to do once he comes home but he can't remember much of them together. His mom stops after a while, giving him a break when he starts to get too frustrated. The rest of his evening goes per usual. Larry and Zoe come and take their seats in different corners, he eats the same bland meal from the cafeteria, and then his family leaves and he's alone again.

That night though, Connor has a dream for the first time since he's woken up. Well, more like a nightmare. It's short and wakes him up around two am in a cold sweat, chest heaving. He had been in a house, he's almost certain it was his house because it looked like the pictures his mom had shown him and everyone was there, but they were fighting. It wasn't just one fight with one person, it was series. He had fought with Zoe, yelling and pounding on her door when she locked herself in. Telling her he was going to kill her for ratting him out to their parents about various things. He threw things at Larry trying to get his dad to listen to him for once, punching the wall when Larry wouldn't even look his way. And his mom, telling her that he hated her and blaming her for all his problems, threatening her with his own life. He watched fight after fight play out leaving him tossing and turning in the hospital bed. After he wakes up and gathers himself as much as he can Connor can't get back to sleep. The next day when everyone comes to see him he's too tired to do much and doesn't tell anyone he remembered a thing. He does make sure to ask Cynthia for a notebook to write down what he remembers at the end of the day.

After the night before Connor is more than ready to get some good sleep but once again his memories come back in dreams. They're not bad this time. He's younger, just a little kid, and so is Zoe. Their parents look happier and they're altogether without fighting. They're somewhere he can't place, a big open field where you can see the sky for forever, but he can't tell where. They've each got ice cream and they're talking and getting along, it's nice but Connor wakes up with a heavy sadness on his chest. He knows somewhere things went wrong. Somewhere that family turned into the angry, hurt people he dreamed about last night, but he's not sure where. Once again he fails to get back to sleep and spends the night watching terrible late night shows.

~~~

It had been over a week since Evan had seen Connor. He kept getting updates via text from Cynthia but he could never make himself go. He was so worried he would get there and Connor would know what had really happened. He was scared Connor would tell his family too. So Evan avoided the hospital altogether. Until today.  
One of the girls at his school, Alana Beck, had made up posters and buttons with Connor's name and had been taking donations for anti-bullying charities all day. Evan kept seeing the name all over school and half way through the day he felt so guilty he had to leave and made himself go to the hospital.

When he gets there they make him sign in and tell him he's allowed to be up there until 5 when visiting hours for non-family members ends. They lady looks at Evan like she knows he's going to stay past 5 and he wants to tell her he doesn't even want to be there in the first place. But, he forges onwards and makes it up to Connor's room. He knocks on the door before going inside, even though he knows Connor can't answer. When he enters though, he stops in his tracks. Connor is in his bed, eating what must be the lunch they get, which isn't unusual, but lying with him in bed is a german shepherd.

Evan blinks once, then twice, then points at the dog with his good hand. "Wh-why is there a dog in...in bed with you?" He asks, eyebrows coming together.

The dog lifts his head up to look and Evan and Connor shrugs. Evan supposes it's the only answer he can give. Connor takes another bite of his sandwich before reaching over to grab a pen and paper. He jots something down before showing the page to Evan.  
"His name is Steve, he's my therapy dog." is scribbled out in the big block letters, just like the name on his cast.  
"Steve." Evan repeats. That doesn't explain much. Evan doesn't know where he got the dog, or when, but then again, he might if he had been visiting. Connor nods and Evan steps the rest of the way into the room and reaches his good hand out for Steve, who in return nuzzles up to him. Evan takes the seat next to the bed again and sets his backpack down.  
"Wh-when did you get...Steve?" Evan asks, watching as Connor jots down, two days ago, onto a different piece of paper. Evan nods in return, hands going down to tug at the hem of his shirt as the silence drags on. "Have you remembered anything yet?" he questions before he realizes Connor might not want to talk to him about it. He looks up to see a dark look pass over Connor's face and instantly regrets asking. "N-not that you have to tell me. You-your not obligated to like...to tell me personal stuff l-like that." Evan sighs and looks down at his lap, missing Connor shaking his head. He looks up once he hears a pen against paper and gets the notepad shoved at him. Evan takes it carefully and reads it to himself, "I just remember a lot of fighting, a few moments a while ago when we were happy but now everybody's miserable. I think it was my fault, but I still can't remember that much."

Evan stays quiet for a while after reading it. He could tell Connor what he knows, from gossip around school and the rest of the Murphy's but he didn't feel like it was his place. And those weren't Connor's memories, that was what other people saw and thought. He couldn't tell Connor his side of the story because he didn't know Connor's side of the story. When he looks up Steve has moved up into Connor's lap and Connor is curled over the dog. It weird to see him like this. After almost twelve years of going to school with him, Evan had never once seen Connor look vulnerable. Defensive, unapproachable, those were normal, but seeing him curled over a therapy dog with no idea who he is leaves Evan speechless. It scares him because he starts to think that maybe Connor Murphy was a lot more than the mean front he put up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looky there, emotions. And Steve! I've been excited about Steve. Connor having a therapy dog is a concept a friend and I had and I had to use it for this. If anyone wants to draw Connor and Steve please do.  
> This chapter was also longer, which I'm gonna try to stick with. Next chapter is going to be a lot of Connor remembering things and Steve helping him get through it.


	4. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor has a hard time as he remembers more and Zoe and Evan talk for a moment.

Memories keep coming back to him in dreams and it's annoying, to say the least. When he first woke up all Connor wanted was to have his memories back. Now all he wants is one night of sleep. Five nights now in a row he's gotten five hours of sleep, max. Connor was absolutely exhausted. He even tried to take a nap with Steve, but he was so worried about what he would see when he closed his eyes that he couldn't sleep.

The first night it was school and everything he remembered about it was torture. The feeling of exhaustion and dread at going, the loneliness once he was there, and the hatred he felt for everyone and everyone felt for him. It all came rushing back in vivid memories that quickly woke him up. When he wakes up Connor reaches over a flip on the room's light, blinking rapidly as he gets used to the brightness. He grabs the notebook and pen his mom brought him and starts to write. There's one memory, about throwing a printer at his second-grade teacher, that kept coming up. Even in memories about high school, he could hear people whispering about it. How badly he reacted to not being the line leader, but that wasn't all there was to it. He remembers feeling so left out at school. He was always too angry or too sad, always too much for the other kids. He was never line leader, never asked to play games with the others, always chosen last for teams. He remembered the teacher had picked his name out of the basket to be line leader. He knows because she had looked right at him, frowned, and then put it back, choosing another name. And he hadn't thrown the printer at her. He pushed it off the desk and it had landed on her foot. Nevertheless, a week later he was "The kid that threw a printer at Mrs. G". A title he apparently never shook. The rest of his school experience didn't play out much better. What had he expected though? He was in the hospital for suicide after all. After the incident in second grade, the bullying started. Everyone seemed to agree on one thing. Connor Murphy was a freak and everyone should avoid him or pick on him. Eventually, he gave up trying to make it better. He shut himself off, putting up walls and getting angrier by the day until no one messed with him. Getting it all out on paper leaves Connor emotionally drained, his hand cramping up from all the writing. But he doesn't dare to try and go back to sleep.

The next night he's back in his house, watching from the corner like a ghost. A younger version of himself tears apart his room looking for something and when he can't find it Zoe's to blame. He slams on her door and when she opens it she looks smug for the smallest moment. Until she sees how angry he is, clutching something in his right hand so hard his knuckles turn white. Zoe shrinks back as Connor chucks a small pack of rolling papers at her, accusing her of stealing his stash. She keeps denying and denying and he keeps pushing until she breaks. Zoe storms over to her desk, pulling out the box he had been looking for in his room. Connor grabs it out of her hands before she's all the way back to him, knocking her off balance so she has to steady herself against the wall. He's checking the contents of the box, making sure everything is still there when Zoe scoffs.

"It's all there. Like I would want any of it anyway." She tells him, voice breaking before she can stop it.

When Connor looks up she's got tears streaming down her face and guilt hits him in the gut for a split second.

"Go ahead and kill yourself with it! I won't care!" She yells at him through her tears.

He almost stops, feeling bad for acting so harsh, but she had still stolen from him. "Whatever." Connor grumbles, slamming the lid shut and closing himself back in his room.

When he wakes up it's hard to even sit up to write down what he remembered. It takes the last of his energy to write everything out and once he's done he falls back asleep even though he knows it won't be peaceful.

The other nights provide him with the same routine, fortunately for him, the memories seem to be less jarring. He remembers going to rehab, the yoga and group therapy. That's not to say it was a happy memory, but at least it wasn't as bad as fighting. He doesn't have many happy memories, though they seem to just as draining as bad memories. He wakes up sad and longing for better times, leaving a cloud of depression hanging over him for the next day at least. Connor supposes it's better than not remembering at all.

~~

Evan was having a rough time at school, to say the least. Word about Connor had gotten around quickly and word that they had been friends had followed. He was fairly certain Jared was the one to say something about him knowing Connor, even though he knew it wasn't true. Evan's anxiety had made him think that everyone was watching him and talking about him for years. The only difference now was that they really were. Since Connor wasn't there to stare at the next closest things seemed to be him or Zoe. Along with the stares from a distance their valedictorian and class president and a whole list of other titles, Alana Beck, had taken to the cause. She had insisted she was a very good acquaintance of Connor's and before Evan knew it she had a website made for Connor and Evan was a co-president. The website hadn't gained much speed and she hadn't gotten many donations but none of it surprised Evan. No one at their school seemed to particularly like Connor and there were a million other stories like his out there. It almost made it easy to forget what was going on and that he was supposed to be Connor's best friend. Evan hadn't been back to the hospital again in five days. He had begun to hope it would all blow over until Zoe approached him on Friday.

"Hi, Evan." she greets, nice as ever because Zoe is always so nice. "I've been trying to catch you but you always leave school so quick."

Evan's already panicking. He leaves school too quick, it's weird how fast he's gone. Zoe knows he hates it here and thinks it's weird. She doesn't sound like she's being mean but that doesn't mean anything, she could still be judging him.

"O-oh yeah I- well you know I-I uh just like to get home and um...I like to go home and relax so I just...I leave quick." Evan stutters out as an excuse, cringing at his own awkwardness. Were his palms starting to sweat too?

"Yeah, I understand." She replies genuinely. "Anyway, I just wanted to say I noticed you haven't been coming to see Connor much. And not that I really care, I don't see why you're friends with him anyway, you're such a good person and he's...Connor." Zoe pauses to scowl like the name tastes bad. "It's not that I care about him. I just wanted you to know that if it was because you don't want to talk to him around us I would be glad to not go for a few days. I'm sure my dad would be too. We can get mom to skip too so you guys can be alone for a while."

Evan stares at her in silence for a moment, unsure of what to say. If he says yes then he has to be alone with Connor for days in a row. If he says no he may have to be around Connor and the rest of the Murphy's all at once or risk them finding out he's been lying. Evan doesn't like any of the options presented but he's nodding before he can stop himself.

"Yeah...yeah I uh, I guess that would be...it would be better." He mumbles quietly.

Zoe nods and excuses herself to go to jazz band practice and that's how Evan finds himself in Connor's hospital room much more frequently over the next few days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where the fuck have I been, right?  
> I have been bust but also, truth be told, the beginning bit of this was harder to write for me and I kept putting it off. This chapter was supposed to be longer and Zoe and Evan were supposed to talk more but I finished it early so I could post something. Don't worry though! More of them talking won't just be cut out. It'll just be moved to the next chapter or the one after that depending.


	5. I'm sorry this isn't a real chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This isn't the next chapter I am sorry

Hi there hello you are probably wondering where the hell I am that is a good question. I started this at the end of a school year which was a bad idea and then proceeded to basically forget about it in the middle of finals and last classes and here we are. Luckily I am not in school now and I am going to try and have a new chapter up within the week! I am sorry it's been months and I hope I didn't lose too many of you by having this unplanned hiatus! I hope you all enjoy the next chapter as soon as it's up!


	6. Were we even friends?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan realizes what he's getting himself into and Connor can't figure out why he can't remember Evan at all.

The last few days had seemed to offer Connor a break. His parents and sister have been missing in action. Instead, Evan, that kid he still can't remember started coming by in the afternoon. Connor wasn't really happy or bothered by Evan's presence but it was better than his family. Evan tended to curl up in one of the chairs and do his homework. It left Connor with time to spend with Steve and he there was no pressure or stress. With his mom, he constantly felt like she was just waiting for him to remember things or talk. Connor didn't want to talk about anything he had remembered, He could also feel the hate and annoyance radiating off his dad and sister when they were there. The situation was hard enough to deal with without all that. So, Evan was a welcome change. Not great compony, barely even noticeable, but a lot better than Connor's other options.

He was still facing one big issue with Evan, the boy who was supposed to be his friend. After spending a week with his family daily memories were consistently coming back to him. However, after almost just as long with Evan there was still nothing. As soon as he could talk, even only a few words, he would ask.

~~~~

Evan had made a monumental mistake. It is the biggest mistake he's ever made, he's sure of it. Going to see Connor in the hospital every day is simultaneously the most nerve-wracking experience he's been through and fairly enjoyable. See, he's able to go and sit in a corner for hours without being bothered which is nice, but on the other hand, Connor could remember they aren't friends at any time and he should be able to speak safely again soon. It leaves Evan with a big risk factor he tries his best to ignore. But for now, he'd have to deal with what he got himself into.

The two of them had gotten into a loose routine the last few days. Evan would come in around three, Connor would already be there with Steve at his side. Evan would say hello, normally to get his attention that he was there, and then he'd take his normal seat by the window. He'd try to talk to Connor some, easy questions he could nod or shake his head in reply to. Eventually, they'd come to a point where there wasn't much else to be said and Evan would take out his book to read or start his homework. At five, visiting hours would end and Evan would leave along with Steve.

The routine was nice and Evan enjoyed the predictable pattern of it. Or at least he got to enjoy it until it was disrupted at the end of the week. Evan had come from school, as usual, Steve was by Connor's side and they had talked (more or less) until Evan pulled out his book. He had been reading for a good while before he heard Connor clear his throat. Evan was startled out of his reading and looked up to be faced with Connor's notepad. "I can't remember you" it read, and Evan frowned. He knew this would come up eventually.

"T-that's okay." He replies, hoping to play it off as if he's telling Connor not to feel guilty about his memory. "Y-you really hurt yourself, if you can't....if you don't remember me right away it's alright."

Connor just shook his head and pulled the paper back. "You're supposed to be my best friend" he scribbles down.

"T-the doctors said you can't control w-what comes back to you." Evan was quickly growing more nervous at the situation.

Connor frowns and writes again. "I hate my family, I remember that we hate each other so why don't I remember anything good?"

Evan swallows nervously, he doesn't think a shrug is an appropriate reply. "M-maybe the bad memories...had more of...maybe they made more of an impression?" he tries. "Maybe you remember traumatic events more. M-maybe."

"You need to talk to me about our friendship. I need to remember." Connor writes down after a minute of silence.

"Uhm...I..." Evan can't form words. "O-okay." It takes him a moment to start after that. Evan tries to think about what he's going to say but he's so nervous that he begins talking and rambles from there. "We met freshman year in English class...we were uh...we got paired together for a project. We had to write letters, to each other, you weren't very excited about it. I didn't blame you." It seemed like a good enough reason, it gave him a back up for why they started emailing. "We had to make different email accounts to use for the project and turn in the letters at the end of the semester. At first, we didn't get along so well...our conversations were...they uh...they were short. It ended up docking our grade, the first bad letters but after a while, they got better. We didn't like a lot of the same things but we started to share music and books and it took off from there." Evan has to take a moment to breathe and collect his thoughts.

"After the project was done we agreed to keep talking. You wanted to keep using the fake email accounts so your dad couldn't read the emails. I was fine with that. We didn't talk at school...y-you asked me not to- to talk to you there."

Connor looked a little shocked at that, but then his face shifted to disappointment like he was realizing the type of person he was.

"If we wanted to hang out we would only ever met at this orchard in the country. It was- it is closed down, b-but that was okay. We would get ice cream a-and sit in the field. T-that was nice...that's...." it, Evan doesn't say it but that's it. That's all their fake friendship is. There's no more. The fake relationship he has with Connor Murphy only consists of emails and the orchard. There's no more he can tell him.

Connor looks at Evan expectantly but he can only shrug. "T-that's all I guess. A-a lot of our friendship was in the emails. A-and the orchard is the only place we'd go."

Connor opens his mouth to say something like he's going to try to talk just for this, but before he can Steve jumps off the bed. The lady from the organization is at the door to pick him up which means visiting hours are over.

Evan thanks whoever is listening and begins to pack his things up. "I-I guess I have to go." He says quietly. "I don't want the nurses t-to yell at me."

Connor nods slowly and watches Evan head for the door, Evan looks back to wave goodbye and Connor is a sad sight on his bed. Lost and alone, confused over the facts and memories of his whole life. He looks like he's struggling. Before Evan leaves he hears Connor, in a rough, scratchy, barely there voice, tell him he's sorry. Evan can't imagine what for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can not believe it took me this damn long to get this next chapter out. Luckily I already know what's going down in the next chapter. I am going to try to start it tonight.


	7. What do we do now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor just needs some help guys.

That night, Connor has a dream. It's surreal to be at his school in his dreams. He knows it's the school by now, he's had other dreams in the same halls of arguments with Zoe and taunting from his peers. He's there again though, the building filling with kids as he walks down the main hall. He can already tell it's a memory, it's like lucid dreaming but he can't control or change what's happening. He wasn't happy to be there, he can tell. He's rarely happy in his memories though.

Connor walks through the hall, waiting for whatever is so important about this memory when a kid calls him out. A shorter guy with glasses calling him a school shooter, Connor watches his past self reply and the guy backs off. Connor thinks that might be the end of the dream, hopes that maybe he'll get off on only remembering something stupid like that tonight, but he doesn't. His past self hears laughing and suddenly he's pushing Evan Hansen, his best friend Evan Hansen, across the hall. Connor wants to wake up but he can't, it's like watching a daytime drama play out in front of him.

The memory seems to fade out after that. Connor had begun to realize any memory with an abrupt end usually means that's when he left the scene. There's no more to remember about the moment. He expects to wake up but then there's more bright artificial light and he's in a computer room. Evan is there again and Connor is offering to sign his cast, a friendly thing to do, but then he speaks. "Then we can both pretend we have friends," his past self says. After that, there's a commotion about a letter with Zoe's name in it and Connor storms out. In real life, he wakes up in a cold sweat. Connor immediately flips on his bedside light and takes out his journal. Those words make his stomach drop, "We can both pretend to have friends". If he and Evan were already best friends why would they need to pretend to have friends? It didn't add up, nothing did. 

Connor writes everything down to read in the morning before trying to lay back down, even though his brain is stuck on what he just saw. He lays there for what feels like a long time in the dark, warm hospital room, replaying the scene's in his mind before everything comes together and hits him like a ton of bricks.

He and Evan Hansen weren't friends. They weren't before and they weren't when Connor tried to commit suicide over two weeks ago. Evan was lying, he had to be. Connor had seen what was supposed to be his suicide note, he read it himself, it was the same letter he took from Evan in the computer room. Evan's letter to himself. So if that wasn't his suicide note and Evan wasn't his friend, how had they gotten to this point? The only somewhat logical thing Connor can come up with, and it's still insane, is that his family thought that note was from him to Evan and for some reason Evan went along with it. Why would he do that? Why would anyone do that? What the fuck Evan Hansen?

Connor may not be able to speak the best yet, but they were going to talk about this as soon as Evan got there Monday afternoon.

~~~~  
Evan felt somewhat bad to say he had been looking forward to Friday. The Murphy's were going to see Connor over the weekend and he had decided he would skip Saturday and Sunday, going back alone Monday afternoon. It gave him two days off to not be worried about his lie being uncovered. Or that's what he told himself. Really Evan just worried constantly in the back of his mind. Unfortunately, the weekend went past all too quickly and after struggling through the school day he was headed towards the hospital.

When Evan arrived he checked in like usual and started the trek through the halls to the brain trauma ward. Outside Connor's door, he took his time collecting his thoughts before heading in. In the room, the TV droned on at a low volume and Steve laid on the bed next to Connor, who seemed to be asleep. Evan let out a deep breath of relief and took his seat, pulling out his math homework and getting to work.

An hour or so later Evan had gotten lost in the facts and figures of his math. The TV had been playing some daytime drama and Steve moved every so often, but otherwise, it was peaceful. Was peaceful. A quiet coughing from over by the bed disrupted the calm. Evan, startled out of his thought process looked up to find Connor waking up. He opens his mouth to say something, their usual small talk, but he closes his mouth when he sees the look Connor gives him. An all knowing smirk, like they had a secret together.

Connor stares at him for a good minute before speaking, "Good morning liar." he gets out in that still scratchy voice. There's a subtle eyebrow raise and Steve looks up with a small noise as if he knows something's about to happen.

Evan immediately blanches and becoming a stuttering mess. His brain starts going a million miles an hour with so many terrible scenarios and his breathing picks up rapidly. Through his now hazy vision he sees Connor's face too from a smirk to genuine worry. He hears Connor talk but it's distant and foggy.

"Holy shit man. Are you okay?" His voice is still so gravely. 

Evan knows Connor shouldn't be talking so much yet but he can't get out the words to make him stop worrying.

"Fuck, okay shit. Evan, you've got to breathe dude, just because we're in a hospital doesn't mean you can hyperventilate and-"

Evan cuts him off, "I'm not hyperventilating!" He wheezes out in a high-pitched, panicked voice.

"You're having a very hard time breathing!" Connor shoots back, just as panicked, before falling into a coughing fit.

The harsh coughing startles Evan again and distracts him long enough that his breathing seems to calm down. "O-oh my god! Are you- are you okay? Y-you shouldn't be talking s-so much. It's-it isn't good for you."

Connor waves a hand at him dismissively as the hacking subsidies. "I'm fine Evan, I'm fine. I can't be a goddamn mute forever." Connor moves so he can sit up and runs a hand through his hair. The room goes quiet again before Connor laughs roughly, "I honestly can not believe you of all people have managed to keep this lie up so long."

Evan is a little offended but then again, does he have any right to be in this situation. "I-I can explain, you probably hate me but j-ust listen I-I can-"

"Evan stop," Connor demands. "I don't hate you. I don't completely understand what you did or why you did it but I do know that right now, based off what I've remembered, you're the only person in the last few years I haven't hated as soon as I met them. So I'm not going to rat you out. Besides I don't seem to like my family enough to care if they're being lied to our not so what do I have to lose? More memories?" Connor laughs after that, something hateful and sad. He looks over to his other side and lays a hand on Steve. "Right now the only people I like are you and Steve, and hell, Steve's not even a person."

Evan was glued to his chair. He wanted to stay and run all at the same time but it didn't matter because he couldn't move. He was struck with how sad and alone and hopeless Connor Murphey was in this moment. The boy he was so scared of weeks ago now looked tired and weak.

Eventually, Evan gets up the nerve to speak, "What do we do now?" He asks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at that! Now you get the actual title of the series. My poor boys, at least they have each other. And Steve.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah, there you go. Disclaimer, I am not a doctor, I don't know much about temporary amnesia. I'm trying to make it as realistic as possible to what would happen but don't expect everything to be 100% correct. I know the first chapter was kind of slow, it'll pick up soon I just had to get some basic plot stuff out of the way. Next chapter might be up today as well. I'll update once a week at least. Summer starts in a few weeks though, so multiple chapters a week is also very possible.


End file.
